Perfectionism in Kids: Why Your Child Might Be Giving Up Too Quickly

Perfectionism in kids doesn’t always show up as obsessively neat handwriting or perfect drawings. Sometimes, it looks like quitting halfway through homework. Or melting down over a misspelled word. Or saying, “I don’t care,” when the truth is, they care so much it hurts.

You might hear things like: “This is terrible.” “I’m so bad at this.” Or see torn pages, snapped pencils, or a quiet shutdown over the tiniest mistake.

Underneath those reactions? A belief trying to settle in: “If it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough.”

What we’re really seeing in these moments is a child trying to meet a deep human need — the need for significance. They want to know they matter. That they’re enough. That they’ll still be loved and accepted even when things aren’t polished or “right.”

But perfectionism is sneaky. It whispers. It makes kids afraid to try, afraid to mess up, and convinced that trying without succeeding just proves they’re not good enough.

What Perfectionism in Kids Might Sound or Look Like

• “I can’t do this. I’m hopeless.”

• Avoiding things they used to enjoy

• Getting stuck on tiny details

• Refusing to try unless they’re sure they’ll succeed

• Comparing themselves constantly to others

• Melting down when they make a mistake

If left unspoken, that inner belief can quietly shape how a child sees themselves, not just in school, but in relationships, creativity, sport, and even friendships.

How to Help Kids with Perfectionism

Here’s what makes a difference:

• Say things like: “Mistakes mean you’re learning.”

• Or: “You’re allowed to be a beginner.”

• Celebrate effort, not outcome.

• Show them your own imperfect moments — and how you recover from them.

Let them know they’re not loved for what they do — they’re loved because they’re them.

Try This: The Mistake Jar Activity

Perfect for classrooms or the kitchen table.

What you’ll need:

A jar, paper, a pen, and a sense of humour.

What to do:

Each time someone makes a mistake — spelling errors, wrong answers, burnt toast, missed turns — write it down and pop it in the jar.

At the end of the week, pick a few and read them out loud. After each one, say something like: “This means I’m growing.” or “Learning is messy sometimes — and that’s okay.”

This helps kids build a new belief: “Making mistakes doesn’t mean I’m not good enough. It means I’m becoming someone braver.”

Final Thought

The next time your child gets frustrated over something small, take a breath. Their meltdown might not be about the math problem or the drawing that “looks weird.”

It might be about whether they still feel enough when things go wrong.

Let’s teach them that being human is better than being perfect.

Always.